Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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