this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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