Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
and she was petting her beer can
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize