I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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