nut hugger
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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