whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
