Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Randomize
