The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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