Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
