i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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