last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
farters have to be the big spoon...
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize