god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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