who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
