is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
