What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
