Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
