So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
