my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
