Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize