Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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