who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
