There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
