I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
