Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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