i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
