Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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