look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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