Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
