I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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