**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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