Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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