apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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