i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
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