Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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