In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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