My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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