Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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