I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
