she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
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