i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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