Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
