we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
