I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm getting married
To pizza
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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