I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
