I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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