my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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