if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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