Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
