You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
It's just like the Real World with babies
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
