My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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