I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He told me they were just razor bumps!
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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