my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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