My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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