Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
