I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
