Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
