Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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