I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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