apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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