fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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