dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
