She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
