4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
